Many people ask us how they can learn to say "no" and how to deal with rejection properly. First, ask yourself how important it is to you what other people think of you. What do you do to make yourself look good? Can you stand by who you really are? Or do you often find yourself playing a role that you think others want to see? Because we want to live up to an image.
How do we change our behavior, our appearance, or even our own history in order to appear better in front of other people? What effect does this have on our ability to express our opinions—and thus also to learn to say "no"?
Recognition of others determines our actions
Saying "no." We learn it in our earliest childhood days, and yet many people find it difficult to consciously respond with rejection later in life. Some, on the other hand, have no difficulty expressing rejection.
To understand why people deal with rejection in such different ways, let's look at the human need for recognition. There are two different mental states that cause us to deal with recognition and its consequences in different ways: the external frame of reference for recognition and the internal frame of reference for recognition. Both are differently pronounced in each person, both individually and in relation to each other. But what does "frame of reference for our recognition" mean?
We gain recognition by behaving as others wish us to and saying what others want to hear.
We are all familiar with situations in which we depend on the praise and approval of others. Whether it is for an achievement we have made or for our outward appearance and demeanor. Positive feedback from others makes us feel better inside. The same applies to negative feedback. We orient ourselves towards the statements of others and imagine ourselves as others would like to see us. We then base our further actions on this. Up to a certain point, this is completely normal and can even be helpful, but what if it causes us to create an image of ourselves that is not who we really are?
Through inner recognition, we learn to say "no."
By constantly striving to please those around us, we gradually lose our true identity and, with it, our ability to say "no." Often, we are not even aware of this. We behave incompetently without realizing it.
However, the inward orientation of our frame of reference for recognition also influences how we appear to others. An inward orientation means relying primarily on one's own past experiences and feelings and acting intrinsically. People with this characteristic carry their recognition from the inside out and are therefore less dependent on feedback from others. This can have both positive and negative consequences.
If we relate everything we experience in the world solely to our own experiences, we may find it difficult to engage with other people and thus gain different perspectives. However, this character trait teaches you to say "no" and stand up for yourself.
Be aware that we can only learn to say "no" by ...
- make us aware of our unconscious incompetence in basing our behavior on the wishes of others,
- use your inner frame of reference to act intrinsically,
- create a symphony of the two mental states and avoid black-and-white thinking.
The answer "no" lies in the golden mean.
When we know what we really want and who we want to be, regardless of the opinions of others, it becomes easier for us to say what we really mean. We free ourselves from the desire to please others and instead base our behavior on our own character, often unconsciously and without any particular intention.
This can help, but it can also hinder, because in some situations, at work or in everyday life at home, the external frame of reference is important. If we lose this completely, it can also mean self-destruction through distancing ourselves from other people.
The extent to which we direct our frame of reference for recognition outward or inward varies from person to person. Only when these two mental states interact does the opportunity arise to learn to say "no."
The golden mean lies in the power of our actions and our abilities. When we consciously try to recognize our need for recognition, we can be the best we can be.
Orienting ourselves toward our environment and aligning our behavior in this direction is not fundamentally wrong. Nor is it reprehensible to seek recognition from ourselves. Rather, it is a matter of finding the best combination and abandoning right-or-wrong thinking.
We can only answer the question of which mental ability we need more in which situation if we consciously decide to allow our character traits to interact and if we embrace the gray area between black and white.
Our tasks for you:
Reflect: In which situations do you orient yourself too strongly toward your environment? Consciously come back to yourself and detach yourself from the role you think you have to play for others. You must learn to consciously say "No!"—it is just as important as a deliberate "Yes!"
Also, consider when you may be relying too heavily on past experiences. Recognize that you should be able to explain your "no" so that the other person can deal with the rejection.
That's why you're not really happy.
Why success and fulfillment have nothing to do with each other.
