A little duckling quacks on the pond. The mother duck quacks back. The other ducklings quack too. Then the mother duck quacks again. The ducklings quack along with her. And so on. Why do duck families quack? To get feedback!
The chick quacks: "I'm here!" – The mother duck quacks: "I hear you! You're there. And I'm here."– The other chicks quack: "You're there! We hear you. And we're here."The quacking gives all members of the duck family guidance on where they are swimming and how they are positioned within the family. This allows the ducklings to stay within the safe space near the mother duck. And the mother duck can be sure at all times that none of the ducklings will stray too far and get into danger.
If the quacking is missing, great stress immediately arises, even panic. As soon as living beings live in social groups, they need feedback and develop a feedback culture. We humans do too. Only much more complex than ducks. At its core, every person simply needs feedback from the world. So that they can recognize who they are and where they stand by evaluating the feedback from other people.
As with the ducks on the pond, this is expressed in the legitimate desire: "I want guidance!" Those who receive too little or no feedback in life wither emotionally. There is a wealth of scientific evidence on this. If infants or toddlers are hermetically sealed off from the world, they can be severely damaged or even perish due to the lack of feedback. In psychology, this effect is known as "hospitalism," "deprivation," or "Kaspar Hauser syndrome." The Latin word "deprivare" means "to rob" – in other words, people are robbed of feedback.
People have a right to feedback!
You can only steal something that belongs to someone else. Accordingly, there is a social entitlement to feedback. In plain language: an employee has a legitimate right to feedback from their boss! Unfortunately, there is often something wrong with this entitlement...
It should be good. Positive. And if it's not what the employees imagine it to be, they react aggressively. They don't really want feedback, precise feedback on where they stand, or a realistic description of the results of their work. Instead, they want to feel good. Confirmation. That they are okay. That's the mistake: they confuse feedback with praise. Wanting praise means: Look at me. This is me. Aren't I great? And aren't I okay the way I am?
Like the knight who was riding on horseback to a castle in a foreign land. He was tired, and it was already late. He wanted to arrive at sunset. An old man was sitting in front of a house by the side of the road. The knight asked him, "Is this the way to the castle? And how far is it?" The man bowed his head and replied,"No, noble sir, you have lost your way. The way to the castle is somewhere else; you missed a turn. The castle is half a day's journey away. You need a place to stay for the night. You are mistaken!" What did the knight do? He took his sword and killed the man! Understandable. What an insolent answer. You've been traveling all day, and then you get annoyed by an old fool...
Feedback is not praise
Do you know what prevents most people from continuously developing themselves and achieving lasting success? They take feedback personally! What do I mean by that? Quite simply:
We set ourselves a goal and get to work. Every day. Again and again. Some things work, some don't. Sometimes it's about something really important, sometimes it's about something less important. When successful people receive negative feedback (rejection) on their actions, they think about what needs to happen to achieve the desired result. They don't complain about the tone or nature of the feedback. They know that "no" always means "not like this" (something needs to be changed) or "not yet" (the timing isn't right) and only in the rarest of cases "never." Successful people take feedback as a fuel gauge. They have learned not to take life's feedback personally. They also do not reduce their goals because of this. By being able to observe their own thoughts and feelings, they do not fall too deeply into the emotion of rejection.
It's quite simple: without feedback, I don't know where I stand, how I come across, and how my performance is perceived. What was strong? What needs to be optimized? It is precisely this feedback that I need in order to develop further. Without it, I'm left hanging in a vacuum.
Here's an example: Have you ever written reports regularly and rarely received feedback on them? What happened to your desire to write these reports? Shall I guess? It dwindled to nothing because you lacked feedback. These are also the two most serious mistakes managers make: they either give too little feedback or have not learned how to give feedback in a way that helps people grow.
But why do we live in such a poor feedback culture? Let's take a look back: for many years, we were taught to view people as sensitive and weak. Painful experiences are best ignored because humans are too weak to bear this emotional pain. The result was a constant craving for positive, good feelings. We learned to ignore painful experiences more and more and forgot how to deal with them. The self-fulfilling prophecy took effect. We actually became less and less able to cope with pain. Anyone who forced us to deal with negativity would pay for it. We became increasingly resentful. It was a vicious circle. A downward spiral whose effects are visible today in the fact that people talk more "about each other" than "with each other."
What needs to happen for you to receive honest, powerful feedback? It's simple: you have to really want it deep down. Have you ever heard of delayed bankruptcy? Someone didn't want to know the truth and trained those around them to tell them what they wanted to hear. Never underestimate the power of Repression! That's the beginning of the end. If you only pretend, those around you will not answer you honestly, but will tell you what you want to hear.
How do you deal with feedback professionally? It is your responsibility to choose what you accept and implement and what you do not accept. It does not help if you take everything to heart. You also need to recognize when others are more concerned with themselves than actually helping you with their feedback. Think carefully about feedback. What do I accept? What exactly? What do I put aside for now and deal with later? What do I reject? Why exactly? And what do I forget immediately? If you deal with feedback in this way, you will constantly develop yourself further. We need each other to develop further. This is how feedback becomes breakfast for champions.
That's why you're not really happy.
Why success and fulfillment have nothing to do with each other.
