How many people do you know who absolutely "want to be right"? People whose desire for quick recognition dominates their struggle to find the best and most profound solution. "I could have told you that right away" and "Nobody asked me" are offshoots of this attitude. Self-affirmation trumps the desire to learn. What others achieve is, in their view, "just luck" or "just connections." But woe betide anyone (the messenger) who exposes this disparagement. The gaze of the exposed person in the mirror (message) would have painful consequences for the person who addressed it.
It is a very natural feeling to believe that our view of the world is more correct than that of others. It follows our desire for strength and the often suppressed striving for dominance and thus control. But it devalues our tolerance to a patronizing act of mercy. Unconsciously, we look down not only on their attitude, but on the whole person: because it is difficult to separate the messenger from the message.
Content versus speaker
A thought experiment: It turns out that someone is lying to avoid a disadvantage. They are exposed through quick, trusting communication. The lie (message) comes to light through someone who thinks critically and questions things (the messenger). The liar becomes known to everyone involved. Who will they be angry with? Of course, the person who exposes them, i.e., the messenger. But doesn't it make more sense to be angry with the originator of the lie (because that is the message)?
Lectures and seminars demonstrate this even more strikingly. Many listeners identify the speaker with the content. But sometimes the content (message) comes from the speaker's own pen, sometimes it comes directly from another source, and sometimes it has been further developed from something created by someone else. The speaker always remains the messenger, and their content always remains the message. No matter where it comes from.
Ideally, the messenger and the message are one and the same.
It is astonishing how few people can understand content independently of its carrier. Or how much the messenger determines whether they are interested in the message. Political elections prove time and again how much more important leading figures are than the issues their party stands for. Ideally, the messenger and the message are one and the same. The speaker would have thoroughly understood their content, and we would perceive them as authentic or, better yet, "consistent." If such a personality also knows how to send messages effectively, it becomes really powerful. Charisma—the Champions League!
Unfortunately, this is rare. That's why I practice focusing primarily on the content when attending lectures. Because the content is often much better than the presentation. This allows me to separate the average performance from the valuable content. How do I do this? I don't look at the speaker and don't let myself be distracted by their appearance. Instead, I turn up my sense of hearing. The rule is: the more intensely we listen, the more we concentrate on the content.
Think beyond yourself
These simple examples show how difficult it is to separate the messenger from the message. And how difficult it is to think beyond oneself as a result. As with "wanting to be right." Consider how often this motive dominates in relationship disputes and what follows from it: an imbalance in understanding oneself and others. What a difference between the demands we place on ourselves and those we place on others! Always check this! The actress Valerie von Martens once expressed it in her own way: "It would be a joy to live if everyone did half of what they demand of others."
That's why you're not really happy.
Why success and fulfillment have nothing to do with each other.
Image source: ©MabelAmber Pixabay
