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How to better understand and lead yourself and others

 "That stubborn man! Pure obstinacy! Why can't he just listen to what others have to say? He doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks of him! What an egotist!"

This is how an interesting implementation discussion with a coachee began last week. What had happened? The leader I was coaching leader been assigned a new employee with whom she had a disagreement. You can read about the reason the leader the conversation above. The employee had failed to follow a work instruction that had been clearly communicated by the leader from her point of view). How did this situation come about?

After a brief introduction, the dialogue developed as follows:

leader: "You know, I actually get along well with all my employees. But some of them just don't want to listen to anyone. Not even God comes first for them. No matter what I say or suggest, they are fundamentally and always against it. I think this type of person is simply unmanageable!"

How many employees, colleagues, or acquaintances do you know who fit this or a similar description? People whom you have considered stubborn, thick-headed, and unyielding until now? The key to understanding and thus also to dealing with them in a more effective way lies in understanding that this behavior is caused by a language pattern, which you can also describe with an internal or external frame of reference. After reading this article, you will certainly understand why this pattern, along with the connection grid, is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in direct leadership and communication in organizations. In practice, we rarely encounter leader who recognize this language pattern and can use it effectively.

A person's frame of reference defines where they derive recognition from. In other words, how they judge whether something is good or bad. You can distinguish between internal and external frames of reference. These form two poles of a continuum. We humans carry both within us, often to varying degrees. There is no better or worse here; the decisive factor is to choose which pole is more useful for you, depending on the context and goal.

The external frame of reference for recognition:

People with an external frame of reference need an external point of reference to make a decision. What others think of them is important to them. This could be the opinion of their boss or colleagues, for example. They also tend to refer to their environment. They are more open to the opinions of others. These people also like to read reviews or listen to testimonials. They are more receptive to trends (" That's what's in right now ") and need feedback more often.

When you say something to someone with an external frame of reference (to you), they are more likely to understand it as a call to action.

The internal frame of reference for recognition:

People with an internal frame of reference like to make their own decisions. The opinions of others are less important to them. This does not mean that they do not care about others or their needs—even though this is often misunderstood. They are extremely reluctant to have things imposed on them and need to have choices. They tend to view statements made by others as additional information that they can use to make their own decisions. However, they do not see these statements as calls to action.

These people often come across as stubborn and obstinate. You are probably familiar with the phenomenon of people's inner frame of reference becoming more and more pronounced over the course of their lives from your close circle of acquaintances... (Extreme example: "Stubbornness in old age").

Which is better? The inner...

After explaining the two poles in our management training courses, participants often develop a clear stance: "The internal frame of reference is obviously better. An external frame of reference is immature and volatile!" Of course , it is desirable for a person to also have an internal frame of reference. Just think of children: until around the age of twelve, they are predominantly in the external frame of reference of their parents—who give them guidance. With the onset of puberty, this relationship changes abruptly. Suddenly, it's "I'll decide for myself—let me do it!"

It is wonderful when parents switch their communication style from parenting to relationship building. But what happens in practice? Many simply continue as before. If that doesn't help, punishments and threats follow. In other words: more of the same old stuff that used to work. However, since Albert Einstein, doing nothing and expecting better results has been a classic definition of stupidity. In the worst case, young people withdraw their receptiveness and stop listening altogether. You can probably already imagine: if you don't start asking respectful questions now, sooner or later you'll run into problems.

...or the outer frame?

However, depending on the context, the external frame of reference can also be extremely helpful. Or would you want to be cared for by a nurse who doesn't listen to you at all? In teams where members have withdrawn their receptiveness toward one another, most switch to an internal frame of reference. They no longer listen to each other. The same is true for employees in change processes. When you meet someone new and there is no trust yet, you can assume that they have an internal frame of reference for you.

An internal frame of reference is generally more compatible with an external one. One person wants to send information, the other wants to receive it. Conflict potential arises when two people with strong internal frames of reference encounter each other. If the parties involved do not change their communication from "saying" to "asking," figuratively speaking, the shutters remain closed and no exchange takes place.

What does an internal frame of reference need?

It is important to him that he has choices and can decide for himself. What he hates are statements like "You should..., you must..., I think this and that is best for you...". One possible approach is to ask him open-ended questions. Instead of saying "This result is not satisfactory," you are more likely to reach him with: "How do you see the result? What needs to happen to improve the result? What is your opinion on this project?"

An employee with a strong internal frame of reference would like to see the following approach: "Let's discuss your ideas for guidelines every six months. You're in the driver's seat, I'm not sitting next to you, and I won't interfere with your driving within these guidelines. I just want to talk to you about the results you achieve. But how you move within these guidelines is up to you. What do you think?"

What, on the other hand, does an external frame of reference need?

It is important here that a positive reference group makes the assessment. "All of us here think this change is a good idea. I think you should get involved." On the other hand, the following phrases can help resolve uncertainty when there is a strong external frame of reference: "There are two options: you decide which is better" or "Mr. Müller, you know best that this change is a good idea." In this case, external feedback is important for making decisions.

[mks_pullquote align="left" width="605px" size="20" bg_color="#5d819d" txt_color="#ffffff"]It is interesting to note that people with a strong internal frame of reference immediately switch gears when, for example, they are on the phone with their partner or their boss walks in. Have you ever seen a leader chairing leader meeting and communicating from their inner frame of reference ("I know what's going on"), but immediately changing their attitude as soon as the boss walks in and sits down?[/mks_pullquote]

In practice, most people do not fail to serve the external frame of reference, either professionally or privately. This is because it is receptive to messages from the environment. It becomes difficult when it comes to following the internal frame of reference under pressure and not falling into the trap of "saying."

What you can do to reach these people:

• Ask open-ended questions (How do you see the situation? What will you change?)
• Give a choice (There are options A and B: You decide what is best)
• Realize that "saying" may be good for your own ego, but it closes the door to others instead of opening it.
• Use phrases such as: "You know best...", "What am I saying, you know very well that...", "What can I say, you don't let anyone tell you anything...", "Even if you don't want to hear it from me, but...","I invite you...", etc.

Regardless of whether you tend to have an internal or external frame of reference, you are probably now aware that there are advantages to living both and being able to switch consciously depending on the context and goal. People who do not want to take anything in from their environment run the risk of becoming lonely. Others, on the other hand, who never make decisions themselves and only act on their own initiative, always follow the goals or expectations of others and are not happy with this in the long run. It's all about finding the golden mean!

If you are interested in the topic of direct leadership, we invite you to attend our open seminar"Leading Simple (direct)" in September. There are still places available. If, on the other hand, you are interested in the impact of language, you can find input on two other language patterns (connection grid and information size) here. Or attend our open seminar The Power of Language.

"The limits of my language mean the limits of my world."

Image source: ©Pixabay