The topic of appreciation is on everyone's lips, both in relation to employees and beyond: appreciation at work and in the workplace, in partnerships and families. Appreciation is loudly commented on and demanded. As a result, it has become a buzzword. And whenever such a trend emerges, it is worth taking a closer look at it.
What is appreciation at its core? When I began to take a closer look at appreciation for my employees and in general, I realized that I had not yet fully understood and defined the term for myself. In conversations with others, they also described the term in very vague terms. In my initial research, I didn't find any helpful definitions. Finally, I did see a distinction that makes the essence of appreciation more tangible: the difference between "market norm" and "social norm."
Market norms mean market laws: perform well, create "added value" for the company, and receive money in return. This world is more sober and cooler. Social norms describe the laws of social bonding. This world is warmer, characterized by personal closeness and connecting commonalities. Market norms are about power and dominance, while social norms are more about acceptance and equality.
It was only a few days until Christmas. This is when the topic of appreciation plays a particularly important role, because after all, gifts of great value are given. This raises the question of why we remove the price tag from gifts. Is it so that the other person doesn't see how much the gift cost? Or simply because we've always done it that way? No, not at all. We don't want the gift to remain within the market norm because of the price printed on it. By removing the price tag, we signal that we want to elevate the gift to the relationship level, i.e., to the social norm.
When do we show appreciation for employees and family?
What is the most important feeling a person needs? I have often asked participants this question in my lectures and seminars. The result: People seek a special form of appreciation; they want to be recognized and loved just as they are! Without having to fulfill a role or perform. Without functioning like a machine, but rather being accepted as a human being—just as they are. Some call this love!
Where does this essential emotion belong? In the market norm or in the social norm? The answer is immediately clear: in the social norm. What happens when an employee cannot generate this strong feeling within their social norm circle? Because they do not have a supportive family or circle of friends to serve as a nest? Then this expectation moves into our companies and we expect the company to compensate for this deficit. If people are truly loved within the social norm, if they have a real nest there, then they do not seek this nest and this kind of appreciation at work.
There are cases where social norms are transferred to market norms. Here's an example from my own life: because I'm in a wheelchair, I can't just rent a car. So a friend of mine took care of getting me a used station wagon that can be converted for my apartment in Mallorca. My friend is a car mechanic. He took a whole day off work to find and check out the potential vehicle. I asked my friend what I owed him—after all, he had sacrificed a full day of vacation for this. And his answer? He reacted indignantly to my suggestion and said , "Buy me a beer the next time we see each other." I realized I had made a mistake; I had brought the laws of the market into the social norm.
In family and among friends (social norm), it is important for people to receive appreciation simply for being there. Just like that. As a human being. This closeness and love for our fellow human beings is very important to us as social beings. Appreciation here means recognition as a human being. I show this to my counterpart unconditionally—detached from any conditions—because they are there and because we enrich each other's lives as human beings. I give this kind of appreciation to my children, my partner, and my friends.
In the workplace (market norm), it's different. There, appreciation for employees arises through value creation for the company. So it's a form of respect that I earn through the results I achieve. My value as an employee is determined by the value I create for the company. leader show respect and appreciation when employees achieve their goals and deliver results.
Appreciation among employees – The company is not a family
If we learn to distinguish clearly and classify each action appropriately, we avoid an incredible amount of emotional tension—because unfulfilled expectations are avoided. Those who seek employee recognition in the form of love at work, instead of earning appreciation for actual performance, want praise for their presence and good intentions. For such people, any negative feedback becomes a test of their self-esteem. They confuse feedback with praise. Any objective criticism is taken as a personal attack, as they primarily hope for pure confirmation as a person (social norm). They need to realize that while their value as a person is not in question, here at work, the primary focus is on something completely different, namely results for the company.
In companies, the message "We are one big family" ( social norm) creates false expectations. Companies are less places of recognition for simply "being human." They are value-added factories that generate benefits and results. A company is not there to allow you to "let yourself go," but to deliver and perform in exchange for money. I should primarily let myself go in the social norm. That's why an intact private environment is so important! The rule is: recharge in the social norm, perform in the market norm. Theodor W. Adorno said it best: "You are only loved where you can show your weakness without provoking strength." That is exactly what the market norm is not. Praise for efforts, declarations of intent, or things that go without saying is out of place here. Many leader precisely this mistake of expressing their appreciation for employees even though the results are still too weak. The market norm tends to be more about success, while the social norm is more about fulfillment.
If I don't want to work on my lack of self-esteem (self-worth), I have no choice but to blame others for not recognizing my worth. The reason I feel worthless is then my partner, my children, my boss, my colleagues, who supposedly deny me recognition and thus appreciation. And what do I do when my boss "ventures out of cover" and tells me the truth that I don't want to face myself: "You do a reasonable job, but that doesn't make you outstanding." Then I react sensitively and accuse him of a lack of appreciation.
Let's consider the image of the hurt wife whose husband forgets their wedding anniversary: if she has stable self-esteem and the relationship is intact, she will smile at her husband's absent-mindedness on their wedding anniversary. Perhaps she will simply reserve a table at the restaurant in his place. If, on the other hand, her self-esteem is damaged and she is dissatisfied with herself and her situation, then it will hit her hard that her husband does not think to show her appreciation on this special day in order to compensate for her lack of self-esteem. Her silent message to him is: Show me some appreciation! She expects him to give her what she herself lacks. So she lives with an unfulfillable expectation of her husband: Make me happy! But it is precisely this expectation that leads directly to unhappiness and causes so many relationships to fail.
You define your own value
"Recognize – Acknowledge – Transform" is the triad. First, I must recognize how often my lack of self-esteem gets in my way. An indication of such moments is the joy I feel when someone else fails. Or the feeling of superiority that arises when others experience mental humiliation. Such feelings arise only because of my lack of self-esteem in that moment. To do this, I must learn to observe myself. The next step is to acknowledge this emotionally. This is a difficult exercise, because only when I take responsibility for this inner deficiency instead of blaming others, can I transform it. If I succeed responsibility this responsibility , I also develop more understanding for the feeling of lack of recognition and appreciation that employees and people around me have.
But we should also know that the perceived deficit of the individual cannot be resolved by accusing others. Rather, it can only be resolved by becoming aware of what is there now and acknowledging it. Not coveting what you don't have, but appreciating what you do have. Relentlessly. This honesty with oneself is a great strength. It prevents not only bitterness, but also stagnation. And it changes my attitude toward my environment: my demand that others finally appreciate me properly becomes unnecessary. Instead, I can focus on working on myself—and on the results I want to achieve—in other words, on the difference I can make in the lives of others. That's how I find my place in life. Then, by the way, it's no longer a problem if the value I place on myself is low, for whatever reason. Once I've found my place, I no longer need to compensate for it.
As long as I have a problem with my self-esteem, any external appreciation is always just a substitute for satisfaction—no matter who it comes from. It feels good for a moment, but it doesn't solve the problem, because that lies within me. No one can solve it for me. Only I can do that. I can do this when I begin to recognize what lies within me. Then I will find an answer to the question of what appreciation I can give myself. I sincerely hope that you achieve this for yourself. Because it is anything but easy and requires great courage: to be honest with yourself. Without delusion, self-aggrandizement, or self-deception.
That's why you're not really happy.
Why success and fulfillment have nothing to do with each other.
