We all know what a bank account is and how it works. We know what interest rates, overdraft facilities, and so on are. We pay money into our accounts and build up a balance that we can withdraw when necessary. In my seminars and coaching sessions, I repeatedly find that very few people know what an emotional relationship account is. And that, without knowing it, they maintain such an account with each of their fellow human beings. The metaphor of the emotional relationship account describes how much trust has been built up in an interpersonal relationship. It is the feeling of security you have towards another person.
When someone earns your trust through politeness, honesty, friendliness, and reliability, they build up reserves. Your trust in them grows stronger. And they can draw on it multiple times if necessary. They can even make mistakes. The level of mutual trust will outweigh them. You will probably not hold them to their words either. Because when the trust account is large, communication is fast, easy, and effective.
Level of trust: Make sure you have emotional reserves
However, if he has a tendency to be rude, overreact, ignore you, become hostile, or abuse your trust in any way, the account will eventually be overdrawn. The level of trust is low. How much flexibility does he have left? None at all. Communication and action become a dance on a minefield. Every word is weighed carefully. He constantly has to watch his back. We see this situation time and again in organizations, but also in families and marriages. Does this description sound familiar to you?
Let's take marriage as an example. Deep, spontaneous understanding and clear communication can fade over time into a comfortable complacency as the emotional relationship account becomes overdrawn. The result: two people trying to lead independent lifestyles in a reasonably respectful and tolerant manner. Of course, it can get worse. Hostility, defensiveness, or the typical "fight-or-flight" response then become the order of the day. They lead to verbal battles, slamming doors, refusal to talk, or emotional withdrawal. The whole thing can degenerate into a cold war within one's own four walls, limited only by children, social pressure, sex, or image preservation.
Caution: In ongoing relationships, credit balances need to be used up on their own.
Stephen R. Covey said: "Our most enduring relationships, such as marriage, also require our most consistent investments." Indeed, in ongoing relationships, the credit balance wears away over time. It's like a kind of inflation. Interestingly, most of you are probably familiar with the "school friend phenomenon." Last summer, I happened to run into an old school friend whom I hadn't seen in five years. It was as if no time had passed. The relationship account balance was still at the same level as it had been back then.
However, the accounts of the people you interact with regularly also require more consistent deposits. Sometimes, even in the most normal, everyday interactions or through the way others perceive you, there are automatic debits that you are completely unaware of. Anyone who has teenagers at home will know exactly what I mean.
One of the best contributions you can make is to listen without judging.
What can you do if one of your fellow human beings becomes increasingly withdrawn? If they no longer accept advice or become distant? An interesting question to ponder would be: What would happen if you started investing in the relationship? You could set aside ten minutes for your colleague, during which the focus is entirely on them and what matters to them personally. Or you could bring your motorcycle-loving son a magazine about motorcycles. Or offer your wife (or husband) help with the housework. One of the best contributions is probably listening. And not judging, preaching, or projecting your own life story onto the other person's words. Just listen and try to understand. Let the other person feel your care, acceptance, and interest.
Now, it could be that the other person doesn't respond immediately. Perhaps they are suspicious and think to themselves, "What is the boss up to now?" However, if these payments continue, they will gradually start to add up. The overdrawn account will be balanced. Please keep in mind that quick fixes are just pipe dreams. Building and repairing relationships takes time. A raise, a new car, or a new bike are things that will be forgotten after just a few weeks.
Yes, it is difficult to remain patient. Because it takes strength of character to endure such a rebuilding process. To nurture what is growing and not to pull up the radishes that are just sprouting to see if they are already thick. But there are no quick fixes. Building, maintaining, and repairing relationships are long-term investments.
That's why you're not really happy.
Why success and fulfillment have nothing to do with each other.
Image source: ©Pixabay – Manuchi
