Imagine this: you have a school-age daughter who is struggling with math. She constantly brings home bad grades. What do you think most parents would do in this situation?
When I ask this question in our seminars, I often get two answers:
- try to help her with her homework, or
- Book tutoring lessons.
What if we told you that in most cases, these two options only make the "problem" worse?
You may be wondering why this is the case. Please take a closer look at the following graphic:
Where do we most often start when we have problems with employees, colleagues, family, and so on? At the behavioral level! If we find that a desired outcome (poor grades) is not what we want, we try to correct it at the behavioral level. The exciting thing here is that the effect occurs in the mind!
Our minds are anchored with so-called beliefs, paradigms, or fundamental convictions that determine how we "tick." In certain situations, these beliefs evoke emotions in us, which in turn determine our behavior.
An example of such a belief would be: "I'm no good at math."What would happen if your daughter went to class with this fundamental belief? It would probably trigger a negative emotion, which in turn would have a negative impact on her learning behavior.
We all carry hundreds of beliefs within us. These usually manifest themselves in statements such as:
- "I am..."
- "The world is..."
- "Trust is good, control is better."
- "I'll never amount to anything."
- "People with degrees are just theorists."
- "I'm too old/too young."
- …
The list could go on and on. Many of these paradigms are helpful. For example, if you believe that you can achieve something, the likelihood of it actually happening is much higher than if you were convinced of the opposite.
It is important to separate core beliefs from facts. For example, if you have been abandoned by a partner several times, that is a fact. If you conclude from thisthat you are"unlucky in love,"that is a belief. How will this affect future relationships? You know the answer.
The power of a paradigm shift
The beauty of beliefs is that they are not set in stone. On the contrary: once we recognize them, they can be changed at any time. This process is called a paradigm shift. It is what we like to call an "aha moment." The more strongly someone is attached to their original perception, the stronger the aha moment. Suddenly, a light bulb goes off.
Would you like an example? Then we would like to tell you the following story, which took place on a Sunday morning in the New York subway (source: Stephen R. Covey / "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People"):
The passengers sat quietly. Some read newspapers, others were lost in thought. Some had their eyes closed and were resting. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then a man got on with his children. The little ones were loud and boisterous, and the whole atmosphere changed abruptly. The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes. He seemed completely oblivious to the situation. The children screamed, threw things around, and even tugged at the other passengers' newspapers. They were very disruptive. But the man next to me did nothing.
It was difficult not to be irritated by this. I couldn't believe that he was so indifferent, that he let his children run around like that and do nothing about it, responsibility no responsibility whatsoever. It was clear that everyone else on the subway was annoyed too. With what I considered to be unusual patience and restraint, I finally spoke to him: "Your children are really disturbing a lot of people here. Could you keep them under control a little more?"
The man looked up as if he were becoming aware of the situation for the first time and said quietly, "Oh, you are right, I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital, where her mother hour ago. I don't know what to think, and the children probably have no idea how to to deal with it."
Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly, I saw things differently, and because I saw, thought, and felt differently, I also behaved differently. My anger dissolved . I didn't have to make an effort to control my attitude or behavior. My heart was filled with the man's pain. Compassion and sympathy could flow freely. "Your wife just died just died? Oh, I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about it? Is there anything I can do to help?" Everything changed in a brief moment.
Many people experience a similarly fundamental shift in thinking when they face a life-threatening crisis and suddenly see their priorities in a different light. When they take on a new role, become spouses, parents or grandparents, managers or leader. We could spend weeks, months, and even years working on our attitudes and behaviors without bringing about changes anywhere near as significant as those that occur spontaneously when we see things differently.
If we only want to make relatively small changes in our lives, we may be able to achieve this by focusing on our behaviors. However, significant, comprehensive change requires us to work on our fundamental beliefs.
In the words of Henry Thoreau:
For every thousand who pluck at the leaves of evil, there is one who tackles it at its roots.
We can only make significant progress in our lives if we stop picking at the leaves of behavior and tackle the root cause, the paradigms that generate these behaviors.
Why paradigm shifts create receptiveness
How did you feel when reading the story above? We often notice that seminar participants are shocked by their own hasty judgments. Afterwards, most of them are particularly emotionally receptive to working on their own beliefs and those of their employees. Understanding how we really come across and how quickly we fall for our own beliefs is an eye-opener for many people. This also helps your employees become emotionally receptive and willing to change limiting core beliefs.
So, the next time you face a leadership challenge, first ask yourself: "What belief triggers this behavior in this person?" Then ask:"What emotion does this person need to recognize and resolve this belief?" To bring about real change, you then need to guide the necessary emotion and then work consistently on the paradigms that are important to you.
What beliefs do you have that may not be helpful? Which of these would you like to change? What about your friends, family, or coworkers?
That's why you're not really happy. Why success and fulfillment have nothing to do with each other.
Image source: ©Pixabay
