Are you familiar with this situation? You have a meeting with your team and discuss certain points that you want to change or implement. At the end, everyone nods, leaves—and then does something completely different. Why?
In communication, we are often preoccupied with the content of a conversation or meeting. This is, of course, important, but it is not the only thing that matters when it comes to what people actually implement after a conversation. You can think of it as a bridge:
When you talk to people, one-on-one or in front of a group, it's always about building a connection with the other person—a bridge. If the bridge connects you, you can easily cross the river with the other person. However, if it cracks or even collapses, it will take a lot of effort for you and your conversation partner to cross the gorge. There are four factors of your communication skills that individually determine how you build the bridge to the other person.
1. the WHAT
When we have conversations and meetings, we are usually preoccupied with the what, i.e., the content or goal of the conversation. If we are unsure about what we actually want to communicate, we almost always miss the next level, namely...
2. …the HOW
Only when you are confident about the content, i.e., when you know exactly what you want to say, is it possible to consciously perceive the process. This means observing what your counterpart needs so that a connection can be established between you. Depending on the situation, you can now change your approach. You can do this, for example, by varying your speaking speed, using vivid language, pausing, etc. Always with the aim of getting your counterpart to really listen. However, it may happen that even though you have mastered the what and the how (which Michael Grinder refers to as the basics of communication), your conversation partner still does not listen or does not implement what has been agreed upon. In that case, it could be due to the next level...
3. …the WHEN
Have you ever noticed, perhaps just recently in your relationship, that you can't say everything at any given moment? The timing of a message can determine whether its content is heard. Suppose your conversation partner has just come out of a stressful meeting. In this case, you should wait to raise your concern until their state of mind has changed. Even if you have mastered all three steps (WHAT, HOW, WHEN), there is still a considerable pitfall in communication waiting for you. Almost no one is aware of this pitfall, let alone able to navigate it. It concerns...
4. …the authorization
You may have good arguments (WHAT), convey the content optimally (HOW), and the timing is right (WHEN). Nevertheless, your conversation partner is not really listening to you? The reason for this may be that they do not consider you to be in a position to tell them anything about this topic. They either do not recognize your status (for example, because you are younger than them) or they do not perceive your competence in this area. In employee management, you can recognize a lack of authority by the fact that employees do not listen to what you say and do not accept feedback.
Have you mastered these four steps? Even so, it may be that your counterpart listens to you but doesn't change anything afterwards. This explains the last step, namely...
5. …emotional receptivity
People are emotionally receptive when they are so imbued with content and have understood its meaning that they want to implement it themselves. Information makes people think, emotions make them act. To stay with the metaphor: the stable bridge between you and your conversation partner symbolizes emotional receptivity. You both really listen to each other and, following a conversation, implement the topics discussed.
It may happen that people do not give you permission, but want to hear your opinion on a certain topic because they are interested in it. If you want to guide or develop these people, it will be difficult for you because they do not accept your feedback. By changing these first four factors, you significantly influence the emotional receptiveness of your conversation partner, i.e., the stability and strength of the bridge between you.
Before every important conversation, ask yourself:
- What does my counterpart need from me (WHAT / HOW / WHEN / authorization) so that they can listen to me better?
- What do I need to change so that my counterpart is emotionally receptive?
In the second part of this blog topic, you will learn step by step how to put the knowledge from this article into practice. For example, to guide your team or your counterpart toward a specific goal. Because, to put it provocatively, simply reading this article (or a book, article, etc.) on the topic of communication will not change anything. Only by taking responsibility for how you deal with it will you make progress. So, to conclude, I would be interested to know two things:
- What was your most important insight from this article? And even more importantly...
- What specific changes will you make to implement this insight?
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